Wild West Show

Tune: ???

CHORUS:
We're off to see the Wild West Show,
The elephant and kangarooo-oo-o,
Never mind the weather as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.

Ladies and gentleman, in this corner we have _________.

Group response: The _______! Fantastic, incredible, holy hellfire shit, tell us about the motherfucker!

The laughing hyena - this animal lives down in the mountains and once every year he comes down to eat. Once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the fucking hell he has to laugh about, I don't know.

The giraffe - This creature is the most popular animal in the animal kingdom. Why? Well, every time he goes into a bar he says, "Gentlemen, the high-balls are on me."

Sabertooth tiger - The Sabertooth Tiger is the only 200 pound pussy that eats you!

Rock 'n Roll star Prince - The rock star Prince is living proof that Little Richard and Liberace had sex!

The Orangutans - This animal lives in the deepest jungle, and as he proceeds from branch to branch, swinging through the forest, his balls go URANG-U-TANG, URANG-U-TANG.

Oster-reich - This animal at the first sign of danger buries it's head in the sand and whistles through the 'hole of the afternoon.

Tattooed Lady - On one leg she has tattooed FIRE, on the other leg she has tattooed BRIMSTONEŠ and in between, it looks like HELL.

Rino-sauras - This animal, ladies and gentlemen, is reputed to be the richest in the world. It's name is derived from Latin - rhino: meaning money, and 'sore ass' meaning piles. Hence: "piles of money."

Keeri-Bird - This bird lives in the Antarctic, and every time it lands on the ice it says, "Keerie, keerie, keerie-iste it's cold."

Leo-pard - Yes folks, the leopard has one spot on its coat for everyday of the year. What about leap year? "George, lift up the leopard's tail."

Mathematical Impossibility - The mathematical impossibility is the only girl to be 8 before she was 7!

Winky-Wanky Bird - By some strange happening, the nervous system of this bird's eyelids is connected to its foreskin. Every time it winks it wants and every time it wants it winks. "Hey, you boy! Stop throwing sand in the bird's eye."

Elephant - The elephant has an enormous appetite. In one day it eats two tons of hay, one dozen bunches of bananas, and twenty buckets of rice. "Madam, please don't stand too near the elephant's backside... maam....MADAM! Too late. George, dig her out.

Oozle Woozle Bird - These birds fly in a line-ahead formation and, at the first sing of danger, the last bird flies up the asshole of the bird in front, and so on up the line. The remaining bird then flies around in ever decreasing circles, finally disappearing up it's own orifice from which position it proceeds to shower shit and derision in all directions.

The Triangular - Folks this animal has a triangular orifice. Hence the pyramids and the YWCA. Gazelle - This is the pretty little four-footed animal you see on your right, ladies and gentlemen, wot as the peculiarity that every time it leaps from rock to rock it farts, and the scientists are still trying to discover whether it farts because it leaps or whether it leaps because it farts.

The well-known Ooo-me-goodie Bird - this bird, wot as you will observe if you look carefully at it, has no legs, and is called what is, ladies and gentlemen, because when the male of the species comes in to land, you can hear him cry, you can hear him cry out, "Oooh me goodies!"

Plumb-line Bird - this bird spends most of the his time high above the worlds oceans, circling in the breezes until it spies what it is after. Immediately it folds it wings, and dives toward the sea and gathers an ever-increasing momentum until it reaches terminal velocity. At that precise moment it hits the surface of the sea by continues on diving straight down, now with decreasing momentum until, if it has got the timing right, it comes to a stop just behind a sardine which has just farted, whereupon it grabs the bubbles for use in spirit levels.

Famous Oooh-Aaah Bird - the male of this species, ladies and gentlemen resides at the North Pole and the female which leaves at the South Pole and at the appointed season, the male Oooh - Aaah bird flies south from the North pole and the female Ooooh-Aaaah bird flies north from the South Pole until comes the time when they meet at the Equator when you can hear them go,"oooooooooohhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

Tri-Angular Iceberg - This is an uncommon sight, ladies and gentlemen, because on one side you will see an Indonesian keeping a private school, on the second side you will see an American keeping a private school, while on the third side you will observe a male polar bear sliding up and down, up and down, keeping his private school.

The Homosexual Sparrow - this bird is so-called, ladies and gentlemen, because some times it flies backwards for a lark.

The famous Fuckar-wee Tribe - this tribe, as you will see ladies and gentlemen, is composed of people of small stature - yes sir, short arses, quite right, sir - wot live in the middle of Africa, where the grass grows to an incredible height of 18 feet or more, and all day long the members of this tribe wander through the tall crying, "Where the Fuck are we? Where the fuck are we?"

The Fight between the Snake and the Ostrich - (Please note that this once is only limited by one's imagination, the patience of the audience, and the ability of one's vocal chords to withstand strain. So far the Guineas Book of Records doesn't list the length of the longest known version, but 15 minutes would be considered normal. What follows are the barest details only, embellish them as you will)

In the left-hand corner, ladies and gentlemen, stands the ostrich (to be followed by a brief life history of the contestant, fight record, size of jock strap, etc), while in the right-hand corner stands the snake (ditto, above). And there, ladies and gentlemen, goes the bell for the first round. (Following is a description of the battle. This round, and each subsequent round should take at least five minutes of fast talking, until finally the snake dives into the ostrich's mouth, wriggles swiftly though its stomach and comes out of it's asshole. Because of this maneuver, the first round goes to the snake. After the applause dies down, Descriptions of subsequent rounds are mainly variations of the first with the snake winning each by the same stratagem. This continues until the final round where the story-teller's art is eliminated at the end of the round when the snake dives into the ostrich's mouth wriggles swiftly through its stomach, and is about to emerge when the ostrich shoves it's beak up its asshole and says, "Now loop-the-loop, you bastard!")

The Tattooed Lady: On the inside of the left thigh she has tattooed Merry Christmas... on the inside of the right thigh she has tattooed Happy New YearŠ and she'd like to invite you to come between the holidays.

The Female Mathematician: This lovely lady believes this (fingers three inches apart) is twelve inches.

The Antique Sales Lady: The antique sales lady only sells period furniture - everything has stains on it.

Another Goddamned Tattooed Lady: This gal has a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh, and a tattoo of George Foreman on the other - and it looks like Don King in the middle.

The last tattooed lady. This girl has a W tattooed on her left cheek. Another W on her right cheek. When she does cart wheels you can read "WOW MOM WOW."

The Wild Man from Borneo - The only man in the world without a fundamental orifice. What's that - how does he shit? He doesn't shit. That's what makes him so fucking wild.

Porcupine - His quills are so razor sharp that no living creature dares approach him. How does he fuck? Very carefully, very carefully.

Keywords: circus, animal