Big Jess

Tune: “Big Bad John” by Jimmy Dean
Parody: By Billy C. Wirtz

Every day at the Senate you could see him arrive
His age and I.Q. were both about sixty-five
Narrow in the mind and red in the neck
Nobody knew what the hell to expect from
Big Jess
Big Jess, biigg Jessss...
BIG BAD JESS!

Nobody really knew what made him so mean
Some said it might be a lack of sumpin' in his genes
Some speculated that he'd been dropped on his head
Or that his family were Bakers and that they were a little inbred
Big Jess

The press and the critics all thought it mighty scary
That his butt was in D.C. and his mind in Mayberry
The press and the critics never bothered him a bit
But those hairy-legged feminists nearly made him shit
Big Jess
Big Jess, what a mess
BIG BAD JESS!

And then came the day in Hilton Head
When Jesse went swimmin' and nearly ended up dead
A wave came along and knocked him sprawlin'
And dragged him out to sea screamin' and ballin'
Big Jess

Jesse figured it was over and the devil was even
When along in a rowboat came a fellow named Steven
Jesse hollered, “Help me, help me! I'm Senator Jess!”
And he said, “You're getting sunburn and your hair is a mess,
Big Jess”

And what happened next has never been explained clearly
You might say that Helms began to behave sorta queerly
He said, “You got it all wrong, I'm a misunderstood man,
And by the way Steven you've got a very savage tan.”
“Merci, Jess”

Steven threw Jesse a life preserver
And Jesse wondered how to explain it to the News and Observer
He said “You know Steven you're a real good pal”
And that night they went dancing at the Capitol Corral
Big Jess

You can bet the Republicans made a hell of a noise
When Jesse admitted, “I'm one of the boys”
The folks in the Senate knew he was under the weather
When he appeared with pierced nipples and tight black leather
Big Jess

Jesse almost lost his life
But he got a new friend
He didn't understand it at first
But he got it in the end
Big Jess
Big Jess, biigg Jessss...
BIG BAD JESS!

Reproduced without permission from
Reverend Billy C. Wirtz - Pianist Envy
Hightone Records (HCD 8051) (c) 1994 by
Billy C. Wirtz, Six Finger Music, BMI

Keywords: politics, parody