Columbo

Tune: Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys

A most ancient song concerning the voyage of the famous Christopher Columbus. A tale told in VI parts.

PART THE FIRST:
In which it is explained how this voyage came about and how the Queen of Spain tearfully bade goodbye; Columbo's parting words to the Queen.

In fourteen hundred ninety two
A gob from Italy
Went wandering through the streets of Spain
A pissing in the alley.

CHORUS:
He swung his balls around-o,
They nearly touched the ground-o,
That masturbating, fornicating
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

In fourteen hundred ninety two
The expedition started.
Queen Isabel, she cried like hell,
Columbo only farted.

Aboard the good ship Venus,
By God, you should have seen us,
The figurehead, a whore in bed,
The mast a throbbing penis.

PART THE SECOND
In which we learn more of the brave explorer.

Columbo paced upon the deck,
He knew it was his duty.
He laid this whang into his hand
And said, "Ain't that a beauty."

The sailors on Columbo's ship
Had each his private knothole.
But Columbo was a superman
And used a padded porthole.

Columbo had a one-eyed cat,
He kept it in the cabin.
He rubbed its ass with axle grease
And started in a jabbin'.

Columbo had a cabin boy,
That dirty little nipper!
They lined his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

PART THE THIRD
In which we are introduced to the crew of the Venus and learn about some of their singular accomplishments.

Columbo had a first mate,
He loved him like a brother;
Every night in the pale moonlight
They buggered one another.

The second mate's name was Andy,
By God he had a dandy,
They crushed his cock between two rocks
For shooting in the brandy.

The first cook's name was Carter,
A very musical farter;
He could fart anything from God Save the King
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

The bo's'ns mate fell overboard,
The sharks did leap and frolic.
Him they ate with relish great
But shortly died of colic.

PART THE FOURTH
Concerning what the sailors did for recreation and how it came that ColumboÕs daughter was lost at sea and what became of her.

The skipper's daughter Mabel
They fucked when they were able.
They tacked her tits, those homely shits,
Right to the galley table.

The skipper's other daughter
They threw into the water.
Delighted squeals revealed the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

PART THE FIFTH
In which the New World is at last discovered; and how the sailors expressed their joy at finding civilization.

For forty days and forty nights
They sailed the broad Atlantic.
Columbo and his lousy crew
For want of a piece were frantic.

They spied a whore upon the shore
And off came shirts and collars,
In twenty minutes by the clock
She'd made then thousand dollars.

With a joyful shout they ran about
And practiced fornication,
When they sailed they left behind
Ten times the population.

And when his men pulled out again
To take the homeward tour up,
They'd caught the pox from every box
That syphilized all Europe.

PART THE SIXTH
In which Columbo at last returns to Spain, and how he delivers this plunder to the Queen, and the sad fate he gets for so doing.

Columbo went in haste to the Queen
Because it was his duty,
He gave to her a dose of clap;
He had no other booty.

So they threw in a stinking jail
And left him there to grumble,
A ball and chain tied to his balls -
So ended poor Columbo.

 

Keywords: Columbus, history, sex, disease, gay